When it comes to a (potentially serious) relationship, I am very, very picky. A bit freaky even.
A long conversation with a few girlfriends yesterday just got me heated and inspired to write this.
What do you look for in a guy when you wanna see him as a potential long term partner?
A friend of mine said it’s a stable guy. A stable guy with a stable job in a stable point of life, because it’s easier that way. He has his daily routines predicted, so a pretty committed relationship wont rock that balance. He no longer has to prove anything to other people but himself. He no longer succumbs to social pressure. Relationship will be seen as the cherry on top, instead of a burden. I can’t say I disagree. Although I don’t think a guy who might not be so “stable” isn’t ready for a relationship. It’s about the mentality after all, and your feeling to that other person. OKAY CHEESE.
Another friend of mine would not settle for just a stable guy. She’s pretty, well educated, comes from a good family so she wants all the best things in life, guys involved. She seeks potential trophy husband. Gorgeous, smart, ritzy typical Tatler magazine kind of guy. I’m not judging her option but the all-in-one package guys, kinda scare me. Sure some are normal, down to earth good guys (and mostly taken), but you’ll find a lot of them to be a bit.. too much. Classic alpha males. Been there, done that and the more I get older, the more I don’t think I have enough space in my plate for all that ego and rules. Not to mention they make me insecure all the time.
Not that I have a good self esteem to begin with.
Feeling insecure sucks. Questioning myself all the time is suckier. Which makes me think that what I’m looking for in a relationship / in a guy is security. I think security also involves stability that I mentioned above. That secure and safe feeling. The one that makes you feel like home and just be who you are. It might sound simple but it’s really not because people are different. Certain things your boyfriend / potential boyfriend does might bug you, and shake that secure comfortable feeling.
I, for example, have certain expectations to every serious boyfriend / potential serious boyfriend. There are certain things that guys do that I can take or can’t take in a relationship (but as always, can be compromised unless what he wants is involving sexy things with another girl).
A busy guy who works all the time? I can take that. Pout maybe from time to time but geez, I do the exact same thing anyway. Gotta appreciate those with big dreams and big ambitions. Just as long as he keeps me in the loop, call or text me from time to time. Telling me what he’s up to or where he’s going. Not a familiar concept in every country, maybe, but in Asia it’s quite a dating rule. Stay in touch. Let your boyfriend / girlfriend know what you’re up to, where you’re going and better yet, who you’re going with. It’s not so hard, right? I mean if you really are into somebody, you don’t see keeping them involved in your life as a problem.
A lot of girls, including my friends, rant about this particular relationship issue from time to time. Guys might think girls are crazy but sometimes we just can’t help it. It’s not nice to find out "surprises" about your boyfriends / potential boyfriends. For example, if he has visited a strip club with a bunch of his sleazy friends without telling you beforehand (recently happened to my best friend and she said it hurts like a bitch) or maybe even if he's been hanging out the previous night with girls you don’t know. It doesn’t matter that it’s just a casual hang out. Give a heads up. Be contactable. If they're not doing anything wrong then it shouldn’t be a problem, right? Or is it another dating rule only applicable in Asia again?
Hmm, what else?
A possessive guy with control issues? I can NOT take that. But little jealousy, small nags when wanting extra attention? Cute. I can take it.
A guy who always asks you to do things he likes that you don’t understand (i.e go to concerts of super indie hipsterrific bands you haven’t even heard before or go hiking even though you think it’s the most boring thing to do ever)? I can take that. But a guy who asks you to do all those stuff BUT call your “simpler” interests such as watching all the seasons of The Vampire Diaries or catch the next Justin Timberlake show in town as stupid? Can. Not. Leaving immediately.
I guess if each person in a relationship is really willing to try and meet in the middle, take note to what the other person likes or dislikes and start to think “we” instead of “me”, both of them will feel a bit more secure and happier.
What do you think? What can you take and not take?
Ps. Please tell me I'm not the only one being gushy over the relationship of Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert in The Vampire Diaries? Too CUTE. My tummy can't handle it.
A long conversation with a few girlfriends yesterday just got me heated and inspired to write this.
What do you look for in a guy when you wanna see him as a potential long term partner?
A friend of mine said it’s a stable guy. A stable guy with a stable job in a stable point of life, because it’s easier that way. He has his daily routines predicted, so a pretty committed relationship wont rock that balance. He no longer has to prove anything to other people but himself. He no longer succumbs to social pressure. Relationship will be seen as the cherry on top, instead of a burden. I can’t say I disagree. Although I don’t think a guy who might not be so “stable” isn’t ready for a relationship. It’s about the mentality after all, and your feeling to that other person. OKAY CHEESE.
Another friend of mine would not settle for just a stable guy. She’s pretty, well educated, comes from a good family so she wants all the best things in life, guys involved. She seeks potential trophy husband. Gorgeous, smart, ritzy typical Tatler magazine kind of guy. I’m not judging her option but the all-in-one package guys, kinda scare me. Sure some are normal, down to earth good guys (and mostly taken), but you’ll find a lot of them to be a bit.. too much. Classic alpha males. Been there, done that and the more I get older, the more I don’t think I have enough space in my plate for all that ego and rules. Not to mention they make me insecure all the time.
Not that I have a good self esteem to begin with.
Feeling insecure sucks. Questioning myself all the time is suckier. Which makes me think that what I’m looking for in a relationship / in a guy is security. I think security also involves stability that I mentioned above. That secure and safe feeling. The one that makes you feel like home and just be who you are. It might sound simple but it’s really not because people are different. Certain things your boyfriend / potential boyfriend does might bug you, and shake that secure comfortable feeling.
I, for example, have certain expectations to every serious boyfriend / potential serious boyfriend. There are certain things that guys do that I can take or can’t take in a relationship (but as always, can be compromised unless what he wants is involving sexy things with another girl).
A busy guy who works all the time? I can take that. Pout maybe from time to time but geez, I do the exact same thing anyway. Gotta appreciate those with big dreams and big ambitions. Just as long as he keeps me in the loop, call or text me from time to time. Telling me what he’s up to or where he’s going. Not a familiar concept in every country, maybe, but in Asia it’s quite a dating rule. Stay in touch. Let your boyfriend / girlfriend know what you’re up to, where you’re going and better yet, who you’re going with. It’s not so hard, right? I mean if you really are into somebody, you don’t see keeping them involved in your life as a problem.
A lot of girls, including my friends, rant about this particular relationship issue from time to time. Guys might think girls are crazy but sometimes we just can’t help it. It’s not nice to find out "surprises" about your boyfriends / potential boyfriends. For example, if he has visited a strip club with a bunch of his sleazy friends without telling you beforehand (recently happened to my best friend and she said it hurts like a bitch) or maybe even if he's been hanging out the previous night with girls you don’t know. It doesn’t matter that it’s just a casual hang out. Give a heads up. Be contactable. If they're not doing anything wrong then it shouldn’t be a problem, right? Or is it another dating rule only applicable in Asia again?
Hmm, what else?
A possessive guy with control issues? I can NOT take that. But little jealousy, small nags when wanting extra attention? Cute. I can take it.
A guy who always asks you to do things he likes that you don’t understand (i.e go to concerts of super indie hipsterrific bands you haven’t even heard before or go hiking even though you think it’s the most boring thing to do ever)? I can take that. But a guy who asks you to do all those stuff BUT call your “simpler” interests such as watching all the seasons of The Vampire Diaries or catch the next Justin Timberlake show in town as stupid? Can. Not. Leaving immediately.
I guess if each person in a relationship is really willing to try and meet in the middle, take note to what the other person likes or dislikes and start to think “we” instead of “me”, both of them will feel a bit more secure and happier.
What do you think? What can you take and not take?
Ps. Please tell me I'm not the only one being gushy over the relationship of Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert in The Vampire Diaries? Too CUTE. My tummy can't handle it.
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Agreed!! With probably every single point you made up there (aside from the Vampire Diaries stuff but that's only because I've never seen the show hehe =P) ... and it's not just in Asia. I'm an Asian in the States and I feel the same way as do my friends (who are not all Asian). It's just the degree of how much you spend time with each other that differs but the basic concept stays the same (no cheating, no messing around, being truthful to each other, etc etc). Some may say they can do 24-7 with that same person whereas I ... I do need some space but do keep me in the loop. Unfortunately, one guy I'd previously dated I thought fit this bill but eventually it turns out, he wouldn't keep me in the loop at all and I had no idea what he was up to. It made me realize that he just didn't care enough to tell me ... The guy after that did exactly what you pointed out that bothers you, telling me my interests were stupid. And I don't enjoy feeling stupid in a relationship. The thing about dating is that the more you do it, the more you realize what you want out of it. And once you realize what you REALLY want out of it, it's not long before you come across one that builds towards truly being successful. It's really hard to tease out the dealbreakers at first glance, really you just gotta go with it and see where everything goes. I also think it's great to talk about this kind of stuff out with your girlfriends as it gives you an idea of what your likes and dislikes would be in a relationship.