New Year's Day at Work

My grandma died last month. Well, now it's almost been two months.

The dumbest things can bring it into my mind and it kills me.

It sounds melodramatic, but when I think about her I want to stab my heart out (why a spoon cousin?).

It's the second time in my life that I have specifically felt like the hurt was in my heart.

I was just looking up movie times for later today and I happened to see the theater where I went with her exactly once. Of course, it was the last time I went to the movies with her, but it was a few years ago. For A Beautiful Mind. She loved it, and I was tired and crabby. We went out to eat after and I was just so not in the mood. Not for her, but I was just so tired and didn't feel chipper and like discussing the movie. I felt bad at the time, because she hardly ever went out anymore because of her breathing. Our outing was a test-run for her to see if she felt comfortable using her travel-size oxygen tank. She was so pleased, and I was so crabby.



It's not like I'm beating myself up á la some crappy movie scene, "If only I had told her I loved her!" I saw her a lot and we watched a lot of movies and talked a lot. It was all good, but that doesn't make it less crappy when I think about what could have been a nicer time with her.



Man, I need to get more sleep. I am so tired of feeling depressed and crazy.