Gah. I don't know. Seth first pointed it out because last Sunday, when I was supposed to teach at the young adult group at church, I got painful back spasms.
"Maybe it's stress."
"But I'm not stressed! I don't feel stressed!"
The spasms went away that evening, and they haven't come back. Tonight, though, I'm very aware of a knot in the same spot. I'm teaching this Sunday. Now, I do have a messed up back. But I'm starting to be suspicious.
There's other evidence: I had a tension headache on Thursday. Right across my forehead; made me all frowny.
For a few days, I've been aware of the wire-taut tension in my body.
Now, it's not just the teaching, which I swear to you, I'm nervous about, but not stressed. I also have my class, and we're going through the process of getting our money in order. So my mind is constantly going going going going going. My mom was in the hospital for a few days, I've done some additional volunteering where I was needed, two, if not all three, of my sisters are dealing with some heavy crap right now, and I miss my goddaughters.
I need to do this. I need to do that. Clean, study, work out, run, read your Bible, call that person back, hang out with that person, put away laundry, make dinner, write a paper, do research, teach, lead, budget, go go go go go go go.
I go through this every year, now that I think about it. Not really sure how I get past it every time, but I know that I do. The thing is, all of the pressure and stress I'm feeling is self-created.
Ahhhh...I realize now. I've regressed to that old way of doing things: God put this all in my path, these are all good things, so I need to just suck it up, put my head down, and barrel through this.
No. Nope. No.
I am not designed to handle everything on my own. As a human being made in God's image, I am designed for community and inter-dependency. I am part of the dance of perichoresis, with I in him and he in me and them in us, etc. When I learned about perichoresis, (see John 17), I pictured it as a triple-helix, like Trinity DNA. And we enter into that. We are one as he is one. It can feel sort of trippy & new agey, if you let it, but it's all there.
I suppose my application step now is to embrace the cliché: Let go & let God.
I'm not betraying God by feeling busy or overwhelmed. I'm right on target. I need to ask for help from him and from others. I need to not try to keep everything in line and prove that I can handle it. I can't. That's good. I don't want to.
Can I just say that I love it when a post starts out totally whiny and pointless but then gets all deep?
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