And then there are the days, like today, where I wake up from a baby/kid dream, and she (it's almost always a "she") haunts me all day. One time it was a baby girl, but she was kind of big, and I was blowing on her cheeks and she was laughing and we were having such a good time. I missed her all day.
Today, it was a little girl, probably 2, I think Hispanic, but maybe Arabic. She is short and brown, with curly, dark hair. In my dream, she was in a car with her dad, and he was waiting for someone to come watch her. I looked at her for a bit, walked away, then walked back. I sort of reached for her and said, "I'll watch her." It wasn't much, but it was powerful. I didn't think about her a lot throughout the day- just a time here or there, but then tonight, on the way home from the gym, I just really wanted her. And I cried on my way home, and I'm crying now. But it's late, and maybe I'm just tired. But I don't like these days when I want kids so much and I can't do anything about it. I just have to trust God and his timing. And tomorrow, I may feel totally different and think that we'd be great continuing to not have kids. I will admit, though, that the pro-kid days are multiplying.
It feels a little like this. |