I know, I know. I'm a terrible blogger.

I've just been overwhelmed. Sneaky carbonara post aside, the last time I wrote here was the day before I became a mom. On May 25, 2011, we got our first foster child. She was two and a half, super smart and cute, and we adored her. The first five days were extremely difficult, and I questioned our decision. I missed our old life and I didn't feel attached to her at all. Then it clicked, and I was in love. I felt like God had given me the child I had asked for (down to how she looked), and I was certain we would adopt her.

We had her with us for 9 weeks, and then she moved in with someone who had adopted her sister. She is there now, will likely be adopted there, and it is where she belongs. But our hearts were broken. Before I met the woman who is now her mom, I was prepared to fight it as much as I could. I wept and made phone calls and mourned and cried out to God for answers. Even though I know now that she's where she belongs and we weren't a good match, I could cry about her at any time at all if I wanted to. I haven't seen her since Halloween weekend, I have presents for her and her siblings in the corner of the living room, and I'm freaking out a bit about her mom not calling me for the past three weeks.

But I have to relax. One of the first things I learned as a parent was that God adores me and wants me to be loved and have wins just as much as I want those things for her. That was hard for me to grasp at first. I would pray for wisdom on how to react to her or think about how God would act, but I figured that I didn't deserve the same treatment since I'm an adult and should know better. Silly girl, I'm not an adult compared to God!

Even when I was in mourning, it wasn't as if I was worried about her. I was just so sad. My prayers started sounding a lot like her fits and crying jags. -Why are you crying? -Because I am! or -Because I'm sad! I'd like to think that I've progressed beyond the maturity of a 2-year-old, but apparently not. That's okay.

He is Risen Indeed!

It is almost 8am on Easter, and I haven't slept. I'm very tired, and I've been weepy.

I am waiting. We are waiting. I don't know what's in Seth's head. He's probably fine.

We're almost ready to start foster care with the intent to adopt. We have 2 weeks before we can have our home open for...kidness, I guess. That is because we are waiting on word regarding the family member we may adopt. Who I want to adopt. Bad. But I'll also be thrilled if she can stay with her family. That would be great. And I would mourn an idea.

So I wait. And even when I try to say, "Okay, let's move on. What do I need to do to get ready for a kid here?" I still get stuck. We haven't heard from adoptions for a while, which frustrates me. I'm sure they're waiting to hear from us about the family member, but I want all that stuff to be ready, too. If we're not going to be adopting my relative, I'll want another kid immediately. I want this. I wish we could have some foster kids even just in these next two weeks, just so something could start.

I'm sick of waiting. I think I may be getting an ulcer. My stomach hurts lately, I can't sleep, I'm exhausted, I'm depressed. I want to watch TV or read or be online because then I don't think. I feel fat and lazy, and I want to go run, but I think when I'm running. I don't want to think. I'm sick of it. I need distraction.

So. That's what's going on with me.

Well, they showed me.

We're having some prescription insurance confusion, so I was without my anti-depressants for about a week & a half. I had thought, "Fine. Maybe this is my way to get off of them." You know, how most people on psych meds do from time to time. "Oh, I'm feeling fine [on the meds] so I must not need them!" It's a highly intelligent argument, for sure.

Anyway, I was thinking that I just wouldn't get my meds. Then I also said to Seth just the day before yesterday, "You know, I don't think we have to take all our vitamins & supplements anymore. I don't think they're doing anything. I don't feel any different & they're expensive."

Cue yesterday & actually, part of the day before: Dang it! I am TIRED! And I don't really want to do anything. I'm not motivated. Let's just sit around the house. No! I'll go running and cry about how much I suck. That's a plan.

You're slick, meds. You let me quickly learn my own lesson.

In sum: filling up my pill boxes w/vitamins & bought my prescription yesterday, because even w/o insurance (until we get that sorted) it's not expensive.

Apartment ads

Today I've done a little bit of what I'm calling "homework," which is fleshing out my project so that I can actually teach it in a couple weeks.  So I'm skimming through real sex by Lauren Winner & making my 1st powerpoint.  I got my grade back on the project, and I got an A-, which is good.  I didn't know if I had enough detail in it.  My professor gave me a few notes, and I've integrated some of them into the outline already. 

Other than that, Seth & I looked at ads for apartments and houses and drove around a bit.  We talked to people at 2 different complexes, neither of which will work for us.  We looked again at the apartment our landlord has, and we still don't think it will work.  We did write to one person who had a very nice-looking ad on craigslist, so we'll see if we hear from them. 

It's hard for me not to get frustrated & just want to quit life & take a long nap to avoid everything.  I know we've just started looking, and I can't expect everything to fall into place already. 

It's mustard seed time!

Vague is how I roll. Feel free to not read this entry.

Apparently, being up past my bedtime makes me a bit maudlin.  Perhaps I should finish the wine in the fridge to truly make it a banner evening.

Big changes are afoot, but what is difficult is that the catalyst for the afoot-ing isn't definite.  But we still need to invest in it quite seriously.  One day, I decide that life can go on, at least semi-normally, for the time being, then the next I get information leading me to believe that all must be turned upside-down ASAP.  And I feel like God is sending mixed messages.  Like he's thrown open a bunch of doors at once, and I'm supposed to go through all of them.  Or I've gotten a fair way down a certain path that I believe he's directing, and then there's this fork.  It's an important fork.  Maybe I need to go that way.  But leave all the other stuff? 

Maybe they'll meet up again.  Maybe I don't have to give up anything. 

I don't want to let go.  But I can only handle so many pressures.  I'm not real good at it.  Were I to let go of one commitment, it would both break my heart and not make a lot of sense to me.  But I don't see what else I can change. 

2011 is going to be the most different year ever. 

FYI: Depression hasn't a "why"

Some of you may not know this, so I'm telling you: if someone in your life is depressed, there probably isn't a real reason.  They're not doing it on purpose, and they aren't focusing on the wrong things.  Well, maybe they are- it can suck you in- but that's not my point. The point is that, at least for me, the depression is in me.  It always is.  I'm pretty sure it always has been. 

Yes, circumstances in life can kick it up a notch, but I can tell when it's chemically induced more than just overwhelming sadness because the circumstances in life really aren't that bad.  My life is fine.  My life is great.  I'm very happy.  I just happen to be super depressed right now.  And I know that there's no real reason for it other than my stupid brain.  So- don't worry.  Don't try too much cheer me up, don't point out all the good things I have, don't tell me this or that will make me feel better. 

Is it good for me to have some distraction? Yes, it is.  Tonight is New Year's Eve, and what I really want to do is sit in this chair and alternate staring into space with playing Bubble Town.  Preferably drunk.  But what I will do is go out with my friends, and laugh and have fun.  I don't need to wallow any more than I already do.

At least in my case, I have dealt with this long enough that I have a pretty good handle on how to deal.  I know that, though I can't just buck up and be done with this, I also need a swift kick in the rear to keep living and not get overly despondent or melodramatic.  I know that my life is great and that I'm being lame. 

A few of you can try to kick me in the butt, but be prepared for me to fight back a little.  It'll all be okay.

2009- Man, am I glad it's over

I gotta tell ya, I don't feel like writing right now. (Gee! Thanks, Robin! I'm sure this will be GREAT!)  I know that I should write, though.  I can't believe I've only written once this month, when I know I have thoughts rolling around in my head.

Nutshell? I'm pretty depressed.  It's not like I'm crying and in the depths of despair, but more a conclusion I've come to or something I finally saw.  I have zero motivation to do anything other than play Bubble Town or be on FB & Twitter all day.  And I'm tired of it.

I don't like the way I live my life.  God & my husband don't allow me to not work so that I can get fatter and fatter and also get carpal tunnel.  I'm supposed to be doing things.  I'm supposed to take better care of my husband and house, I'm supposed to be volunteering more, I'm supposed to be reading and studying and hanging out with people I care about and exercising and playing real instruments, not just plastic ones.

Usually I'm not a big fan of shoulding on myself, but this is more than a guilt trip: it's a not quite rock bottom that I would like to be a turning point.  I'm clear about these things.

The year started oddly: my sister, who I probably love more than anyone in the world besides Seth, was in the hospital.  After about a month, I just couldn't stand it anymore and, after dropping my classes, went to Michigan to be with her.  I woke up one night just crying and freaking out because I couldn't stand the thought of her being alone in the hospital when my mom couldn't be there (and her husband was deployed).

The doctors were really being pessimistic and all but assuring her that her daughter would die, but we didn't believe them.  There are plenty of stories online about women in similar situations whose babies lived.  I, for one, expected Adi to be born premature and puny, but that she'd live.  Sure, complications were to be expected, but they'd be gotten past.  But she did die.

My sister had a horrible, terrifying c-section while my brother-in-law watched their daughter get yanked out of her, and then he watched her die after an hour.  My sister never saw her or held her alive.

The same day that my niece died, my friend's brother was accidentally shot and killed.  Let's cancel January 23rd from now on, okay?

I was in MI for a month, mourning and comforting as best I could, but I also had a good time with my friends and family.  A few days after my sister got out of the hospital, we went to Costco and my brother-in-law and I cracked up watching her try to run people down in the scooter/cart.  I got to see lots of my friends multiple times, I got drunker than ever before with one of my best friends and some guys from high school, I got together with some online friends, saw a Red Wings game, and got sick of winter.

After I was home for a few weeks, I went to stay with my sister for 2 weeks in North Carolina.  We had a great time, and we also got to visit our cousin and her family in Richmond, which was fabulous.

A lot of the year was good: I went to CHIC with the youth group, Seth and I had a great 10th anniversary vacation in the NW, and I had a fabulous class this fall.

This was also an expensive year, and my car currently sits dead in the driveway.  All told, I was out of my bed & away from home for almost 4 months this year.

I've been worried a lot this year.  About my sister, brother-in-law, parents, another sister who has been depressed and confused, the messed-up sister who lost both her kids but is pregnant with a third, about everything that could be worried about for my husband, about money, the marriages of multiple friends-- you name it.  I know I don't need to worry, and I sometimes do a good job of casting stuff on God.  But not enough, apparently. 

I stopped working with two ministries and added another one, which is still finding its rhythm.

I didn't really like our Christmas.

I want a house.

I want a best friend in California.

I've stayed on medicine, which I want to double, but I don't want to do that arbitrarily.  I can't ask my doctor do up my prescription, because I still haven't seen anyone about my depression.  I didn't think I needed to before, but maybe I do.  Maybe if I talked to someone about my stupid lack of motivation and what appears to be self-sabotage, I'd get somewhere.  I know that Jesus is helping me and I don't have to do all this on my own.

I'm just tired.  And I'm excited about this year being over.  I know it has been weird, and I want it to go.  I want to start over- start fresh.  Though some may call that naïve, I know that I can start fresh. I can start over right now, if I wanted to.  I've been trying for about 2 weeks now to change; to think in a new way.

I just keep sitting back down.