Is it really summer?! + Bels love!

Belgian weather is unpredictable. When you see this pictures you probably won't even think they were taken during summer. Early fall is what comes to mind first. Fallen leaves kind of do the dirty cheating trick here.

When we were shooting the sun suddenly came out and it was too hot in a parka.

These pictures were taken last week. I spent a fun day with Annebeth and her lovely sister Naomi.

I'm glad that I had the chance to meet these wonderful girls through blogging. Annebeth lives not so far away from me and we'd probably would never have met otherwise. THE HORROR! These two sisters are wonderful creatures with a rare sense of humor. I rarely met girls who are so intelligent, honest and strong! BELS GIRLS, I LOVE YOU!
Check out their blogs!! The Styling Dutchman & Canon Girl Does Fashion

So before you think I'm totally weird I proceed with my post. That day we spent the day at Annebeth's, took some pictures, chilled at the cemetery, danced ballet (or tried to), ate cake, made a delicious Caesar salad, drank Moscato and tried to save a chicken from suicide. Yeah, we're weird. The crazy chicken tried to jump under the train several times, while we were waiting at the station. We were definitely more scared than it was. It only, quite compulsively, followed this yellow line on the ground. Stoopid!

Anyhow, I had a great time and this is what we were doing, eating and drinking that day. Unfortunately we forgot to take a picture of us three together, bummer!

Crazy, sexy, cool! It's all 'bout us!

I never miss a chance to grind a girl from behind!

Trying out some ballet.

Still crazy, sexy, cool!

Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake....

Violent cooking & Naomi doing a lama face!

Heavy metal cooking!

CAESARRRRR

A non-reading weekend

That's really what I had.  I just haven't been reading a lot lately, which is kind of sad.  That one vampire, pardon me, vampyre, book I'm reading has been sitting on my dresser and I hardly even read it before bed.  I've been busy and exhausted- partially from eating like crap. 

Today, though, I'm going to read.  I got a book in the mail today from a friend and I'm going to make time for it.  The book is Bittersweet by Shana Niequist, and I heard her speak briefly at the leadership summit last month.  I've been meaning to read this book, and my sweet friend knew after reading it that she was supposed to give it to someone, and she thought I could use it right now.  She's probably right.

So I'll start reading that in a few, and I'll report back later!

I have a suggestion

At our young adults group tonight, we were having a brainstorming session to see what subjects and issues the members of our group have on their hearts.  When we planned this, I think that we were a little afraid that people wouldn't really respond, and we also didn't want it to only be a list-making session.  We wanted some teaching content, too.  Reluctantly (I think), my fellow teacher offered to lead this session and try to come up with an introductory session and biblical basis for our as-yet-undefined series of talks.

She did an amazing job.  The whole night was powerful and awesome.  I love our group!  She had us look at Acts 15 and the Jerusalem Council, showing that circumcision was a HUGE deal to the early church, something which was a crucial, cultural issue about the direction of the faith.  Our discussion, then, was about how all the issues we face should be formed and informed by our faith.  Nothing should be compartmentalized, and we need to, as a group, contend with different topics and discern how to apply biblical principles to  our culture.  It was a fabulous, powerful segue into our brainstorming.

And the brainstorming really wasn't that:  it wasn't people thinking and pausing and tapping their pens trying to come up with any old thing to say.  It was really a sharing session.  People talked about what was on their hearts and what they're struggling with right now, and everything had to do with our Christian life.  I expected controversial things to come up or even political things, but everyone wants to talk about how to live out our faith, how to stay strong in the face of temptation, how to surrender to God more.  It was awesome. 

Song lyrics!

I'm really tired, so this shall be a bullet-pointed post to sum up today.

• Training for youth group volunteers this morning, which was at the home of a family from church which was LOVELY.  They have a great yard, vines of their own & their yard backs up to a bigger vineyard, with a mountain behind.  Awesome.
• I'm going to have two other adult leaders for my small group this year, and our two student leaders are going to be a lot of fun.  All of the student leaders are really excited about leading and I think they're going to be really strong this year.
• My ears are really, really itchy.
• We had tacos for lunch at the training, and they were fabulous, I tell you. 
• I've started writing my final C.S. Lewis paper, and I'm going to finish it tomorrow, I say!  I'm going to go to bed early tonight, skip church tomorrow, and work on it all day. 
• Our college event was really good.  We had 7 college students show up for dinner, which was good, so about 14 of us total had pizza and talked, then we went to the church to play Rock Band.  Some more people joined us there, and it was lots of fun, of course.  The beauty was that it was an early night-- we started with dinner at 4 and the last of us taking down the xbox & putting the church back in order left church around 10pm.  We're all feeling old & tired tonight.
• I love playing Rock Band with the church friends, because everyone gets into it, especially a lot of the guys.  They're jumping up and down, screaming and singing, and acting like lunatics.  It makes me smile a lot.  
• I have the paper due Monday and my sexuality project due Friday.  Then I am freeeeeeeeeee!  Until the 30th of September, at least,  I'm going to see some family, read a ton, and clean a ton.  I'll have to restrain myself from blatantly throwing away half of our possessions, since I'm so sick of the mess.  I do hope to at least put a good amount of stuff in storage.  It will be grand.

Goodnight!  Oh, and my ears are still really itchy. 

Deep breathing, venting, talking to friends. Oh, and alcoholic beverages and loud music.

I was angry today.  Nutshell: I got one of my papers back and, though I didn't get a bad grade, my professor's comments and demeanor (is there such thing as a written demeanor?  I say yes.) just pissed me off.  I almost threw a tantrum, I tell you.  I yelled "I hate you!" and I do believe that a plastic cup was thrown into the sink with much force.  Gah.  I just had to get out of the house. So I went up to church where I knew I'd be able to vent at some people who have been in similar situations.  I listened the Deftones quite loudly on the way there, which was quite calming, and the venting helped.  I talked to my friends for about an hour, then got some alcohol & potato chips on the way home.  Yes, I felt like a lush stopping at the corner store to buy 2 cans of hard lemonade & a small bag of chips (a last-minute addition) at 2pm.  But it was lovely.

The paper that is due on Monday should be more pleasing to him, and I will be glad to be done with it.  I release all expectations.  I have always been fine with not getting As in seminary.  All will be well.  I should not have been surprised, yet I am flabbergasted.  That is all.

Two! Two! Two for the price of one!

Oh, my dear friends, if you haven't visited Yosemite National Park, you need to do so.  I was there for 4 days and it was dreamy. 

This year, instead of having the big hike on the day before we left, we did it our second day out, and I think that worked well.  Everyone but one injured person wanted to do Cloud's Rest, so we all set out at the crack of dawn to climb 10,000 feet.  (Injured friend rode her bike around the valley all day.) 

My dear, sweet, 14 year old goddaughter could barely stand to be so pokey with me on the stairs & steep climbs, so we were hardly together.  In a nice turn of events, though, the groups did not all tear off into the mountains and leave each other in the dust, but everyone waited for the others at a few different meeting spots.  Also lovely was the fact that I wasn't in the back!!  For most of the time, there were 4 or 5 people behind me.  Awesome.  I could really tell the difference in being in better shape and being better prepared.

Nevertheless, I did not go all the way to the top of Cloud's Rest.  Around 2.5 or 3 miles from the top (according to the signs that LIE all along the trail), I was starting to get blisters on the backs of my feet, it was freaking hot, and all I saw before me was unrelenting steepness.  I turned to my friend, Tim, who was the only one around for miles & said, "You know, Tim.  I am totally over this and fine with turning around!"  This being his first gigantic hike up a mountain, he concurred and suggested that we find a shady spot to eat our lunch before heading down the mountain.  Splendid. 

The Cloud's Rest hike, once it splits off from the trail to Half Dome, is nowhere near as popular, so it was nice to have absolutely no one around sometimes. We ate our lunch, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders, and refused to be guilted by those behind us who said, "We've made it this far, we might as well go on."  Go on, then!  Have at you!

Full of optimism and naivete, Tim and I slowly wandered our way down the mountain, stopping often to rest, drink, and enjoy.  I stuck my feet in the water at Nevada Falls, and we proclaimed the excellence of the John Muir Trail and chided Thomas for not having us go up that trail more often.  It was a happy time when we were more innocent.  In the end, the trail was still quite hard.  Not as painful as the Mist Trail would have been on the knees, but not the Dream Trail we had initially dubbed it.  And it ended up on the same, dreaded, hateful asphalt steepness that we had on the way up.  (See Yosemite post from 2 yrs ago for a pic.)

Due to our turning back, Tim & I had about 3 hours to kill before everyone else was done, especially because the Lunatic Thomas took our friend Andrew and my goddaughter up both Cloud's Rest and to the top of Half Dome.  Better him than me.  So Tim & I sat, staring into space, with our feet in the freezing river for about an hour.  I spent about 8 hours with Tim that day, and we had both good conversation and good silence.  I liked it.

We finally headed over to the parking lot (putting our shoes back on!  Ugh.) with the hopes that our 2 other friends who weren't on the mountain would be around.  (Tim's sister had turned back fairly early on in the hike, so she was wandering the valley with a walkie talkie, as well.)  We sat in the back of a friend's truck, and I made a little pillow out of my backpack and elevated my feet on her tool box.  It was lovely.  Eventually the bike riding friend came back to us, and we all chatted and looked at the pictures of the bears that she saw on her travels.

The three of us heard from Tim's sister, Valarie, and headed over to the pizza place to save tables for everyone for dinner.  It was a fabulous day, I tell you, and I loved the fact that I wasn't completely beat down because I took at least 5 miles off my hike.  What I missed, though, was the proposal on top of Cloud's Rest.  I really wish I would have been there, but I'm so happy for my friends. 

The next day we limped our way around the valley, looking at waterfalls and the Ahwahnee Hotel.  Some people biked, which I would really love to do, but I wasn't in the mood that day and let a friend use my bike.  I was quite proud of us for getting in at least 4 miles or so on our sore legs.  Of course, I walked in the river again for a bit when we all stopped for lunch, which was heaven for my calves. 

Oh, and we saw 2 bears, no big whoop.  There was a large male in a meadow, and I almost had to resort to bodily violence to stop my girl from getting as close as possible to get a good picture.  Then there was a tiny cub across the road in a picnic area.   Yes, he was very cute and huggable, were one to go in for that "maimed by momma bear" sort of thing.  Which, apparently, many tourists do!  Two different women were inching their ways closer and closer to the cub in order to...I don't know.  Hold it?  Eventually, the baby bear was surrounded by idiots.  The mom must have abandoned it, though, because The Darwin Awards got no new nominees and a ranger eventually came out with a small cage and was working on wrangling the cub when we left.  I tell you- you see many stupid people at the park.  "Let's Get Rabies!" seems to be a close second to the game of "Maiming is the Best!" only to be followed by "I Don't Need Water for this Hike, Do I?" 

That evening, we swam in the hotel pool next to our campground and had a lovely dinner together.  Different circles of conversation formed, and I had a great theology discussion with 2-5 people until the wee hours, when our neighbors started shushing us. 

Thanks to days of little sleep and lots of activity, there was also plenty of laughter, wheezing, and near-pants-peeing.  Laughing until tears is so rare and so wonderful when it happens.  Thanks to exhaustion, it happened a few times last weekend, and I almost felt like I had an ab workout.  Good times.  I love my friends and I love California.

I know you're reading this

I'm sad because two of my best friends, Ben and Sandra, are moving to Arizona tomorrow.  As they set sail for that land of sand and racism, I figured I'd take the opportunity to send out a love letter in the form of a blog to them.

I met Ben at church a few years ago, and I wanted to like him because I had heard good things about him and my friend, Tracee, liked him, but I just didn't get it.  The night I first talked to him, I thought he was a little bit bratty.  As I got to know him a little better, I realized that it was just that he doesn't always have the gift of making it clear when he's being sarcastic or joking. 
We really became friends on my last trip to Mexico, in 2008, where the gift of sarcasm brought us together.  As the only ones with that gift on the trip, we often sought each other out to make snotty comments or jokes that no one else truly got or appreciated.  Also, we were often the last ones awake, and we chatted by the campfire, with the only topic I really remember being movies.  It impressed me that he had seen Once and loved it. 
I may have also claimed him as my new best friend, which he took in stride (at least on the outside). 

In the beginning of 2009, Sandra came on the scene.  The news of this fairly serious relationship came as a bit of a surprise to most of us, but I think it surprised the two of them, as well, because it happened so swiftly.  Ben had been out of town (out of the country!) for about two months, and during that time he realized just how much he cared for her.  One night, when I dragged him with me to Barnes & Noble to buy a couple of the Twilight books (see! He's a good friend to a girl.), he told me about her and the conversations they'd had and his feelings.  I was pretty geeked. 
At the same time, I was nervous.  It's always a little bit iffy when your friends start going out with someone you don't know, because I think we've all had the experience of one of our friends going out with someone we don't like, or at least someone who we just don't mesh with. 
I can still see her face when I walked into church the first time I met her.  I hadn't seen Ben in a long time and I came up and hugged him from behind while he sat (which is really the only way to hug him, being that he's 12 feet tall & about as cuddly as a piece of plywood).  She didn't look at me strangely or in any sort of possessive way.  She turned with her huge-normous smile that she has and said, "Robin!" 

I got to spend time with her alone a couple times, and was impressed with how smart she is, how widely read, her heart for God, and her loving spirit.  It sounds like she'd be a boring sap, but that's the best part!  She's not!  She's awesome and funny and sometimes sarcastic and everything that Ben is and is not.  They are wonderful.  Once she moved here and they got married, it was like I had a 2-for-1 best friend package. 

So, I got that for almost a year, minus their excessive traveling.  It makes it a little easier that they traveled so much, because sometimes it felt like they were already gone.  But now they won't be back next Tuesday or in a couple of weeks, and I don't know who I'll have theological conversations with.  They just seem to be the only ones that it ended up happening with. 

I guess I'll just have to get a bunch of Obama stickers and some Che Guevara shirts and go visit them in Arizona. 

Power Point!!

No, I did not blog yesterday.  What are you going to do about it?  Nothing, that's right. 

I have had a crazy weekend, but it has been mostly good.  Yesterday, I read a scoreboard, and it was great.  Nineteen of us went to an Oakland A's game, which I was feeling pretty meh about, but it ended up being, to quote Napoleon Dynamite, "Flipping sweet!"  First 2 innings: boring, quick, no score, out out out, etc.  Third inning?  A's get 8 runs.  EIGHT.  Two innings later? 5.  We thought it would be a shut-out, but the Angels woke up for a little while and got one run, for a final score of 15-1.  Wow.  Best baseball game ever.  But there's more!  We then got to go down on the field (I sat in a seat instead, though) and there was an amazing fireworks display.  Seriously, it was awesome.  A little late night stop with friends at In 'n Out on the way home, and we were fat and happy.

I taught tonight at Core (the young adult group), so I read and studied for that a bit.  We talked about Leviticus 22, Hebrews 4, and Mark 5.  Cleanliness laws in the OT versus our freedom to approach God under Christ and his humanity, and how the woman with the issue of blood demonstrates this new order that Jesus kicked off.  It was pretty great, with lots of good conversation. 

And my movie clip?  Oh, I showed a clip from Elf, with the thin thread of relevance being the phrase from Hebrews "throne of grace" and Buddy the Elf accusing the fake Santa of sitting on a throne of lies.  It rocked. 

Mel's Diner and the Deathly Hallows

Wait.  That's not right. 
Well, I didn't do any homework today, and that's fine.  All I wanted to do was read Harry Potter, so I did that as much as I could, even though I was quite busy most of the day.

What did I not read?  I did NOT carefully read the e-mail I received with my free pass to see Despicable Me tonight.  I did not read that the start time was at 6:30, so I got there and had friends drive into the city and meet me there around 7:30.  Boo.

So we had dinner.  Remember, this is only day 3 of our new diet, so I was a bit hesitant to go out to eat.  We went to Mel's diner and while our 3 friends were happily choosing which cheeseburgers they were going to get, Seth and I pored over the menu for quite a while, trying to find anything without gluten or dairy.  I really did want a burger, but nothing clearly stated that I could get it without a bun, and I realized that a patty with no cheese and no bun would be sad, indeed.

We ended up splitting a hot dog w/sauerkraut and a cobb salad w/o cheese and with Italian dressing.  When my friends got their side salads with blue cheese dressing, I looked at them longingly, completely expecting our salad to be disappointing when it came.  I mean, Italian dressing?? C'mon. 

But?  It was delightful.  Delicious.  We inhaled it.  I wanted another one.  Huzzah!  That was such a victory, due to both being out and the fact that I woke up this morning wanting nothing more than a baked good and a Coke. 

Now we shall share a mango for dessert, and it will be awesome. 

Ah, a read for fun day

I didn't do any homework today, and that was totally fine.  I would have read a little bit for school, but the book I need hasn't come yet.  Other than that one, of which I read as much as I could on Amazon, I'm pretty much done with my duties for this week.  We had an essay due tonight, and I appear to be the only one who has turned it in.  I was going to be all proactive and respond to others tonight, but there are none there. 

I had a lovely, social day, and had a good time at the gym tonight, and I read.  I'm working on Redeeming Love and I mostly like it.  There are sentences & scenes every once in a while that are a tad on the "corny Christian fiction" side, but not many, and I'm enjoying the story. 

This is the problem:  when I'm into a book, I'm kind of okay with not going to bed at a decent, human hour, because I want to read.  I've always been this way. 
I may need the help of nyquil tonight, because I was at the gym later than I expected (doing an  hour of cardio will do that) and I...well, I took a nap.  Kind of.  Fell asleep on the couch.  But I was so tired!!  I could hardly keep my eyes open.  Gah. 

Tomorrow we have a YA event at a park, where we'll be hiking (wandering in the hills, really) for a couple hours, then grilling by one of the lakes.  It should be lovely.

Also, I realize that YA can refer to teenagers, like Young Adult fiction.  That is not this group, though there are some teenagers involved. It's college and other young adults, up to around the mid-30s mark, meaning that I'm too old, but I'm a leader, so there.

Saturday night

I had 2 parties to attend today, but I was feeling more motivated to work on my Bible study (better term) for tomorrow, so I skipped out.  I also knew, though, that I had to work out.  I'm trying to keep my new motto in mind: Depression can't hit a moving target.  I should have gone to the gym to do some backwards elliptical-ing, but I read to pass the time on that, and I wasn't in the mood to read anything.  I don't have a magazine I'm into right now, I don't have a book I'm salivating over, and I just didn't want to be distracted by anything.  So I took both dogs out for a walk, which was lovely.

In the end, I felt good about my preparations for tomorrow, so I headed to the second party.  We have a pretty low-key approach in our YA group, with a lot of group discussion and an open forum vibe, so I just needed to get my order of operations straightened out.  I'm still new to teaching, so I get a little nervous. 

Also, I didn't end up getting a satisfactory movie clip relevant to Hosea.  I wanted something more surprising and maybe edgy, something about loving in the face of rejection and hatred, but I couldn't figure anything out. I'm stuck with The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, which feels like a cop out.  I mean, I love it, but it's blatantly about Jesus, so using it to represent redemption isn't all that creative. 

Oh, well.  Have an awesome Sunday!  Read your Bible! 
 

A good day

Today I am finishing up Storm Glass and I started working more earnestly on my--can we just call it a "sermon" for ease of conversation? thanks--sermon for Sunday night.  Hosea is pretty heavy, and it reminds me a bit of Job, in the "Gee, thanks, God, for trusting me so much in this way!" sort of manner. 

I had planned on staying at church for all of Big Time (so, until after 9), but I just couldn't.  I did have a fantastic time talking, eating nachos, and laughing maniacally with some of my students, though.  We in the office had a slow night, so we just chilled, I watched some of the water jug baseball game out in the field, and then my comfy couch & book I'm almost done with called to me. 

So here I sit, on the web instead of reading, because The Internet is what I read the most.  Twitter, links people put up on twitter, links Seth sends to me, catching up on FB:  these are what I do the most.  But I have made better time for reading and have found a good balance between school reading and reading for fun.

If you'll excuse me, I have to find a way to look up movies about prostitution without finding porn sites. 

You know that old saying, "When you assume..."

you make an ass out of yourself and just make God more godly and clear.

I've been working on a novel for NaNoWriMo, and I've written over 15,000 words so far.  I really like it a lot.  The purpose of NaNoWriMo is just to get those words out of you.  They don't have to be good, and you shouldn't edit. Just WRITE.  The goal is 50,000 words by midnight on November 30th.  I was nervous to start, but the book has just been pouring out of me and I'm really having fun and mostly like what I've written.

Here's the rub: it's not necessarily a Christian novel.  (GASP!) And I, dear reader, am planning on being some sort of pastor. It's not like that alone is a problem.  Sheesh, I'm not a complete shut-in and don't cater to those who would get their panties in a knot about that.  The thing is, there's s-e-x in the book.  Um, not "within the bounds of marriage" s-e-x.  The aforementioned activity is considered a mistake and is dealt with- it's sort of the premise of the book- but when it happens, it's also kind of fun.  I think I'm being real in the book by not pretending that all sin absolutely sucks when you're engaging in it, but there are consequences.

To recap: Adultery: it's fun! Oh, wait, it sucks.  There are consequences, repentance, and God is mentioned, but I'm not shooting for a Christian novel vibe. I really don't know if there would be any sort of audience at all for this book with the mix of sassy & Christian I'm working. There's no salvation prayer uttered, OH, and there's swearing.  Just a little.  I'm trying to portray real people that are also Christians trying to live their lives. 

I've asked a couple people what they think of the general concept & whether it's okay for me to be writing this book.  The stupidity of me? I never asked God about it until yesterday.  Here's the assuming part: I got the idea at the beginning of this year and actually started writing it back then.  And this month, I've been cranking on it and really enjoying it.  So, I assumed that because I had the inspiration and it was flowing, that God was okay with it. 

But yesterday, 6 of us were walking (limping) back to the car after our half marathon, and suddenly decided to go to church.  The worship was rocking, so we went a-knocking.  It was great and beautiful, and our stinky butts decided to stay for the whole service.  (Seriously- we were still in our nasty race clothes, numbers on our shirts, medals around our necks.)  The pastor was talking about hearing from God and told us all that God would be telling us something during service.  He spoke of different things you could hear: Stop, Pause, Rewind, or Fast Forward.  These corresponded to (duh) stopping something you may be doing, pausing and seeing if maybe you're doing something for the wrong reasons or rushing headlong into your own plans, the need to completely repent and get on a different path, or the word to go ahead and jump. 

What I think was my word from God was an exact sentence that the pastor said: Press the pause button and bring it into the light.  And, really, I wanted to kick myself.  How was it that I was talking to other people about it and not God? Duh, Robin.  Duh. 

So, I've put it before God.  I haven't gotten an answer yet, and I'm going to wait a bit and see if I get a yes or a no.  It may be that it's fine, but I needed to stop and think and bring God into it more, or I may need to stop.  We'll see. 

I love friends!

Uh-oh. This was going to be about specific friends and bonding, but it might turn into a long-winded treatise on why I love facebook and twitter. You've been duly warned. Oh, and I just thought of another friend-themed rant. Woah. Focus, robeena. Pick one and move on.

Okay, today's topic is: we need more words in English for "friend." Alternatively, I need to grow up. The issue is that I am a fairly affectionate person who also happens to need a decent amount of affirmation herself. (It is quite natural that these things go hand-in-hand. My #2 love language is "words of affirmation," so I give that easily.) So I find myself calling this person or that "my best friend" or "one of my best friends." Then I also have to qualify that with "in California" or "in the whole, wide UNIVERSE," or some such 3rd grade nonsense.

Why do I do this? I think part of it is that, especially when introducing someone to "one of my best friends," I want to emphasize how special this person is to me. I'm trying to express that I love this person a whole lot and I'm excited for you to meet them. I just with there was a less childish way of doing it.

People mean things to me in different ways. Obviously, Seth is my best friend, period. I suppose that my sister would be next. But from there it starts to get confusing. There are long-time friends who have known me forever. There are friends who have been there through thick and thin. There are the people that I can rely on in any situation. There are the handful of people that I could talk to for days on end with no break and we'd still be having a great conversation. There are the friends that know me and I can just be near them and be completely myself with no walls. There are the few people out here in CA who I feel I have a lot in common with and with whom I can be sarcastic and watch TV. Obviously, some of these categories overlap, but all of these people are precious to me, and I want everyone to know it.

Maybe I should start collecting foreign words for "friend." There have to be words for some of these things out there. Of course, I would still have to explain the word to someone if I used it in public, but I think it would make my heart smile to have a word for just what someone means to me.

Monthly Check-In

Good golly, I haven't written here at all this month! Happy October, friends. It's my birthday month.

The month has been a bit odd. Not bad, but just off slightly. It started with Seth out of town. He went to Houston to be with his family and to see Metallica without me. sigh. At least his brother loved the concert enough that he bought tickets for the show in December out here, and I get to go!

The whole time Seth was gone, and up until today, too, I've been sick. Not any sort of horrible, flu, oh-I'm-going-to-die sick, but, possibly, one of the most annoying illnesses I've had. For over two weeks now, I've had headaches and nausea that ebb and flow. Quite frustrating. So, while I can pretty much carry on with life as usual, I'm not myself. I'm tired, and I'm in pain. I did go to the doctor to make sure I don't have a tumor or anything, and the nurse said it's some sort of viral syndrome. She also mentioned that I should go back if it kept going for 14 days, but I haven't done that. It's not quite as constant as it was before, so I figure it's slowly leaving. I'm done catering to it.

So, Seth was gone, and I lazed about and didn't eat a full meal once while he was gone. I had an excellent walk/run with some friends over two weeks ago, then my legs got very angry with me and I decided to see a massage therapist to work on them. I've seen her three times now, and I really think she's making a big difference in my shins. I'm going to give running a try today at the gym, so I'll let you know.

Seth got home the morning of Stephanie & Ken's wedding, but we thought we had plenty of time. For months now, I was certain that the wedding was at 3pm. So I picked Seth up, we stopped at a couple stores on the way home, and happily dealt with San Francisco traffic. Once home, we were very much looking forward to a quick nap before the wedding, especially because Seth had been up all night. Before said nap, I decided to look at the invitation again just to make sure I had the time right. The time was 12:52, and the wedding was at 1:30. Oof.
Thankfully, we were both able to look adorable in a timely manner. That's how we roll.

The wedding was lovely. It was much more formal than I'm used to in a high church sort of way. Though it didn't feel very personalized, it did feel holy and special in a way that most weddings do not. There was a lot of scripture and reading of things together; lots of mention of Jesus. It really presented the marriage as something sacred and serious, and that was great.

The reception was beautiful, but cold. It was a cool, windy day, and we were outside. By the time dinner was being served, I had jeans on under my dress, Katie had temporarily borrowed a coat from one of Steph's lovely co-workers, and I had also doled out sweatshirts for Sara and Jenny to put over their arms. With both Seth and I being so tired, and I wasn't feeling good anyway, we left during the groom-mom dance. Asleep o'clock was 10:30. It was fabulous.

On my birthday, we started our new small group Bible study, and it was great. Our new-ish friends made fajitas for dinner, got me a gift card to Outback (in a Twilight card with an Edward bookmark!), and an ice cream cake. They really went too far, but I felt so loved. They are really great and I look forward to getting closer with them and knowing them in the Bible study context.

And as if that wasn't enough, I had a spur of the moment girls' weekend with the friend who introduced me & Seth! She's got quite the full plate in her life right now, and needed a getaway, so she flew out from TX and requested WINE!! We had a lovely time in SF and Sonoma, and it was good to spend time together.

Other than that? Hurt my knee driving around. I'm currently babying that. Taught at the college group for the first time, and that was great. I ended up connecting with someone that I never thought I would, so that was a God thing. High school group going great, class is awesome, and we're going to Yosemite for 4 days next weekend!

Next post won't be so diary-like, I swear.

People on the Street

I'm revisiting an old topic here: seeing people I know out and about. Why it pops up again today is because I'm back in California after being in Michigan for almost a month. What I realized in MI is that, even though I'm from there, I currently know more people here and live in a smaller town, so my chances of seeing someone I know out in public are actually smaller in MI than here.

It was almost sad for me to be at the mall or something in MI, see a group of teenagers, and have there be no chance that I knew them. That's weird now. It was lonely and surprising to go to Costco and not run into anyone I knew. (Disclaimer: I did see someone I knew at Costco one time in MI. I'm speaking in generalities, people!)

I'm back home now, and the flipside of this occurs to me, as it did a couple years ago: I'm not going to see anyone from my past here. I'm not going to squint at someone who walks into a restaurant and suddenly realize that it's an old friend or some random guy I had a crush on in college. Here, if I see someone I know, I am currently friends with them and there's no real surprise to see them. We'll talk. It will be normal. That's both a relief and a little bit boring.

Why I love Twilight

I've been poking around a lot online (some would call it "obsessed." "Some" would be my husband.) and reading stuff about Twilight--generally snark, some articles, interviews with the cast (some members more than others are represented in my searches.)

It appears that the great majority of the snarky writers and of the haters seem to be up in arms (Shocked!) about a teenybopper book catering to an allegedly anti-feminist idea of a girl wanting a knight in shining armor and men being fairly dominant. Another group of them feels that a message of abstinence is antiquated and also anti-feminist. Most do not understand why, on Stephenie Meyer's sparkly earth, would grown-ass wimmins be reading these books, watching the movie, and salivating over them both. The general opinion seems to be that these are books FOR TEENAGERS, so ONLY teenagers should read and enjoy them. Anyone over the age of 16 who loves them is gross and wrong and needs to get a life. (Um, Harry Potter much?)

I sincerely beg of these people that they get off their high horses, take the sticks out of their collective bums, go soak their heads, or whichever command will get them off my dazzling, vampire-loving back.

Am I saying you're not allowed to dislike or hate these books? Not at all! What I find disheartening though, and there is a LOT of it on the web for any and every subject, is the poisonous disdain for people who do enjoy something you find stupid. As if you are the learned and wise one, while the 40 bajillion people who love scrapbooking, those creepily realistic stuffed cats, genre fiction, and Jesus are stupid and beneath you. And I'm a certified snob, myself! I'm sure you could go back through my very own blog and find a post where I am heaping scorn upon someone for liking something that makes me hurl. (Actually, I just looked and didn't find anything exactly like this. Whoosh! Narrowly escaped that little bit of hypocrisy!)

What I find irritating is that many (not all) of these posters seem to feel that everything they read is sensical, upright, empowering, deadly serious, and Good, while the Twilight books are brain-sapping, oppressive, and Bad. It's a freaking YA vampire romance novel! And if you think that much of the adult novels in the same genre are feminist tracts firmly grounded in reality and excellent writing, I have a bridge to sell you.

Yep, I've read a lot of those, too. And most of them suck. I've read at least 7 books by Sherrilyn Kenyon, almost every one of them exactly the same woman-hating, ridiculously bad, he-man saves the day after a sensitive woman heals his black soul bullcrap. It's a formula that I go to for comfort and brain-off entertainment. I am a seminary student with papers to write, deep stuff that hurts my brain to read, oft-conflicting beliefs to examine and juggle, and people's eternal souls to ponder and worry over, not least of all my own and my husband's.

I cannot frikking get my head into most "grown-up" contemporary fiction. It's boring! It's hard to slog through the thousands of new releases to figure out what I'll actually like and find something that itsn't about depressed middle class marriages where at least one person wants to kill themselves and they all hate each other. On the other hand, I can be reasonably sure that any urban fantasy or paranormal romance book I pick up is going to be a) kind of predictable, b) poorly written and edited, and c) at least 85% entertaining.

I first read Twilight in '06, because I love YA fantasy books, and it has vampires. End reasons. I remember thinking that it was only okay, and that while I didn't feel the need to go on to the next books, I probably would eventually if I was casting about for something to read. Two years later, enter 'Nette. 'Nette is in love with the books, and absolutely wanted to see the movie. I had half an interest in the movie, mostly due to the pulsing excitment of my h.s. girls and their enthusiasm for Team Cullen. So I semi-reluctantly went to see the movie on New Years Day. (really. Just last week. This thing is only 9 days old.) Though I didn't realize it right away, it was starting to crumble (my dignity, my sanity) right there.

I thought the movie was pretty good, with only a couple eye-rolling "OMG! We're so in love! OMG OMG OMG!!!!!1" moments. And, I'm sorry, but Robert Pattinson is seriously a beautiful boy. Seriously. So, I borrowed the 2nd book from 'NettaBobetta and read it that night. Then it was seriously all over. I had to know!!! I bought Eclipse (hardcover. ack!) and read it at the airports and on the planes. (I saw at least 5 other people in the airports w/Twilight books. All adults.) I went to church on Sunday (movie + 68 hours) and immediately went up to the first group of h.s. girls I saw, like a junkie needing her fix. "Do any of you have Breaking Dawn??!!" I thought I may have to go to someone's house to grab it, but one of those wonderful, obsessive girls had it in her car at church, so I was able to get it right away. Joy!

And you know what? I loved it. The teenage wedding, freaky rough sex (off-page, of course), creepy vampire baby, imprinting, non-fight- all of it.

Did I absolutely love every part of the books and think they're gems of literature and girls should be Just Like Bella? No! They're FANTASY. Escapism. Fairy Tales. Bella drove me mad most of the time, with her moping and defining herself solely based on the boys in her life and incessant lack of self-confidence. But find me more than a handful of teenage girls who aren't like that! Is that ideal? Of course not. Do you really think that traditional fairy tales build them up into strong, independent women? They're all about girls waiting for princes or the brave girls who will go ahead and die for the good of the weak men or their village. It's not pretty. But I can also guarantee you that my students at church also got a little sick of Bella's whining and they picture themselves as much more independent than she is. I think they also notice the love she has for her dad, but the crappy way she treats him, and they'll think about that. Yes, I worry a little bit about what example Bella & Edward set for them, but that's exactly why I'm going to talk to them about it. I'm going to ask them about Jacob's assault and Edward's controlling ways.

And I do appreciate the message of abstinence. I don't like that so much out there now tells teens that sex is no big deal, when it is. And you can live without it, even when you really really want it. You will live. You can talk. Even though it's not highlighted as much as it is with Jacob, Edward and Bella's relationship is barely physical, and they talk and spend time together and are deep friends. This is a good thing! It's actually pretty healthy to show a realistic view of sex instead of hiding it away and pretending that boys want it, girls don't, and it's not all that great, just keep it in your pants until marriage. Yes, I know that they *did* wait until marriage, at Edward's request, but believe me, I grew up in a semi-fundie school and you just weren't supposed to talk about or want it or acknowledge its existence. Only bad kids had sex. We weren't given any practical expectations, models, or advice other than "Don't!"

Why would I, a happily married, mostly completely satisfied with my life, almost mid-30s woman like it so much? As I mentioned before, escapism. Brain-off entertainment. Romance. Fun. I adore my husband and want to climb him like a tree most days, but that doesn't mean that I have zero bagage about my desirability. That doesn't mean that guys liked me when I was younger. It doesn't mean that I don't like reading about sweeping love and sex and immortality and strength after doing dishes and prying socks out of my dog's mouth. No, it doesn't make me wish I was Bella, or seriously pine over teenage boys (ick!). It makes me want my husband even more. It just stirs up romance in general, at least for me. That's it.

Does Robert Pattinson need to worry about me? Nah. I'd blush like an idiot if I met him, just like I did when I nearly met Alan Rickman, who is way too old for me. Pretty boys are nice, no matter their age. I'm human. And I love vampires. So nyah.

Happy to Be Alive Day!

As I posted my Twilight blurb, I saw today's date and remembered that it is a holiday for me.
Sixteen years ago, I tried to kill myself. A stupid boy was the proverbial straw, but I had been depressed for a while and remained so for some time. Thankfully, I didn't want to die that bad, because I went to work and told my boss about the pills I'd taken. And I had my wonderful family and loving friends to pick me back up, dust me off (sometimes a little too roughly, sheesh! aggressive much?) and kick my butt back into the world.
I can't say I've never looked back, but I am very happy and know how to wrestle my depression to the ground when I need to do so.

So, be happy to be alive! I am!

Also, happy birthday to Greg Smith, wherever he is.

Ahhh...Here I am again

Good Morning.
I was hoping to be asleep tonight. I even tried some chemical assistance, but to no avail. So much for modern medicine.

The good news is that I'm probably quitting my job tomorrow. That will help with a lot of this. I've never really slept fantastically, but my work schedule is all screwy and includes some late and overnights, and I just can't seem to recover from them.

But this is boring.

I've recently gotten into Lost, and I really like it. I'm annoyed that they are skipping episodes for those of us just starting out with the show, but at least I have Television Without Pity to catch me up. I have an episode waiting to be watched on my DVR, but I should wait to watch it with my husband. I already watched TAR without him.

My family worries me a bit. My parents are/were alcoholics, quit for a while, and are back on it and we're not allowed to talk about it or act like it's weird.
How am I supposed to pretend that it doesn't bother me? I keep trying to tell myself that they're okay, that it's not as destructive as it was when I was younger. And it really is a different brand that they're practicing now, but it still ain't cool. It makes me uncomfortable, and it makes my little sister living with them uncomfortable and scared, I think.
Not scared scared, but worried about them.

I love how I put an apostrophe in "ain't" as if it is an actual contraction.

I have a friend who is really going through some difficult times in her life and is quite needy.
I want to be there for her, but it's really difficult. I feel like I just don't have it in me to be there for her right now. Not on the terms she wants. I can't give her what she needs because a) I just cannot do it, and b) it is just so much work to actually accomplish anything with her nowadays. And, to act like a scumbag for a minute, I don't want to put a whole lot of effort into it anymore. It has been a one-way street for a long time now, and so little actually changes.
I love her to death and always will, but the bending over backward can't go on. It's too much.
Is this completely cold-hearted? Perhaps. It isn't how I feel all the time, but more and more. Of course, I'm not in the cheeriest of places the past few months.

This insomnia thing. I don't know if it qualifies as a sickness or not, but in my mind I've just been thinking of it as "I haven't been well lately." Almost as if I have a disease. People just can't seem to get why I'm so tired or sleeping so late or cancelling plans. I just haven't been well.