littleinsomniaclolita

My own words- they both delight and annoy me

Clearly, I'm fond of my own voice, be it verbal or written, being that I blog, post a lot online, talk a lot, and speak in public. But I tell you, I was so sick of reading my paper. I always do this: I work and work and cram and stay up, and the day the paper is due, I am so disgusted by the whole thing and tired that I don't want to read it one more time, even though I know that I should. In a better-ordered world, I would get done ahead of time and give myself a few days of distance before going back to read.

Today was okay, though. I stayed up all night, which went surprisingly smoothly, though the big dog was confused and annoyed. Every time I got up to go to the bathroom or anything, he stood, walked towards the bedroom, and looked at me. When I returned to the living room, he'd just give me the stink eye & plop back down on the floor with a sigh. (Yes, my dog sighs. He's like his mother. Actually, both of my dogs sigh. I wonder if I influence them too much. Or maybe we need some more oxygen in this joint.)

Anywhoodle, I finished finished with my paper around 11am, but I was still up until noon:thirty. I was only able to doze for a couple hours, but I eventually read the paper out loud, which was new, and it helped. I changed a few things here and there and, overall, I think it's a good paper. My introductory paragraph blows, but I wasn't in the mood to work on it anymore. See? My process isn't that great.

What is good about my process is that it integrates a high-pressure situation and laziness in one (or two) caffeine-fueled all-nighters. The reason it takes me so long is partially because I torture myself and it takes me too long to just freaking start typing the actual document. Once I get going, though, it isn't a difficult process, it's just like pulling teeth to get me to focus & do it. Especially as I get closer to the end and feel like I've accomplished something, I start going online to check FB or twitter after half a page- after a paragraph- after a good sentence- Oh! I wrote "In the words of!" time for a break! I annoy myself sometimes.

I have seen some improvement in my school habits over the past year, and I hope to do a better job in the fall. Part of the problem was the quickness with which my professor wanted these papers, not giving us the expected month & a half after the end of class.

So I am freeeeeee!!! Kind of. For a while. I have my sexuality project due on Friday, but I'm excited about that & like it. I don't think it will be very difficult. (Famous last words? I hope not.)

Not only has summer been playing tricks with me, but it also leaves unnoticed to come back as large amounts of pouring rain. I'm a sunshine lover, so cold summers are the worst for me.

It's like having your hope crushed after a whole year of waiting.

Summers in this part of Europe are deceiving.

But still, no reason to complain, as this is only about weather.

At least I get to wear my new leather jacket already.

This shots were taken during one of the warmer days.

I wanted to wear my new black maxi skirt and gladiator sandals ones more before saying good bye.

Wearing H&M Against AIDS shirt, Primark maxi skirt, H&M sandals

Oh, my itchy ears

Update: they're still itchy on & off, but I've been putting lavender oil in them, which really helps. I could use olive oil, too, but the lavender oil needs to be used. I guess that, when using q-tips to get the water out of your ears, you end up getting rid of a lot of wax, and wax lubricates your ears. So, if you don't have any moisture in your ears, the skins dries out and it's like torture. Now I know!

I have a suggestion

At our young adults group tonight, we were having a brainstorming session to see what subjects and issues the members of our group have on their hearts. When we planned this, I think that we were a little afraid that people wouldn't really respond, and we also didn't want it to only be a list-making session. We wanted some teaching content, too. Reluctantly (I think), my fellow teacher offered to lead this session and try to come up with an introductory session and biblical basis for our as-yet-undefined series of talks.

She did an amazing job. The whole night was powerful and awesome. I love our group! She had us look at Acts 15 and the Jerusalem Council, showing that circumcision was a HUGE deal to the early church, something which was a crucial, cultural issue about the direction of the faith. Our discussion, then, was about how all the issues we face should be formed and informed by our faith. Nothing should be compartmentalized, and we need to, as a group, contend with different topics and discern how to apply biblical principles to our culture. It was a fabulous, powerful segue into our brainstorming.

And the brainstorming really wasn't that: it wasn't people thinking and pausing and tapping their pens trying to come up with any old thing to say. It was really a sharing session. People talked about what was on their hearts and what they're struggling with right now, and everything had to do with our Christian life. I expected controversial things to come up or even political things, but everyone wants to talk about how to live out our faith, how to stay strong in the face of temptation, how to surrender to God more. It was awesome.

Song lyrics!

I'm really tired, so this shall be a bullet-pointed post to sum up today.

Training for youth group volunteers this morning, which was at the home of a family from church which was LOVELY. They have a great yard, vines of their own & their yard backs up to a bigger vineyard, with a mountain behind. Awesome.
I'm going to have two other adult leaders for my small group this year, and our two student leaders are going to be a lot of fun. All of the student leaders are really excited about leading and I think they're going to be really strong this year.
My ears are really, really itchy.
We had tacos for lunch at the training, and they were fabulous, I tell you.
I've started writing my final C.S. Lewis paper, and I'm going to finish it tomorrow, I say! I'm going to go to bed early tonight, skip church tomorrow, and work on it all day.
Our college event was really good. We had 7 college students show up for dinner, which was good, so about 14 of us total had pizza and talked, then we went to the church to play Rock Band. Some more people joined us there, and it was lots of fun, of course. The beauty was that it was an early night-- we started with dinner at 4 and the last of us taking down the xbox & putting the church back in order left church around 10pm. We're all feeling old & tired tonight.
I love playing Rock Band with the church friends, because everyone gets into it, especially a lot of the guys. They're jumping up and down, screaming and singing, and acting like lunatics. It makes me smile a lot.
I have the paper due Monday and my sexuality project due Friday. Then I am freeeeeeeeeee! Until the 30th of September, at least, I'm going to see some family, read a ton, and clean a ton. I'll have to restrain myself from blatantly throwing away half of our possessions, since I'm so sick of the mess. I do hope to at least put a good amount of stuff in storage. It will be grand.

Goodnight! Oh, and my ears are still really itchy.

Oh, that's why I'm so busy

Whenever I feel overrun by life and have to explain to someone why I didn't return their call or something similar, I feel like a bit of a baby. I think, "C'mon, what do you really do all week that you're that busy?"

Well, I'm in ministry. I just realized that this week. I'm not paid, and I have friends on my team helping me, but I'm the main voice for the college students right now, so I'm sort of a college pastor. I've known (lightly) for a while that I was a pastor because a)we all are, kinda and b)I'm actually involved in ministry. But as I fret about events, about meeting with and connecting with students both high school and college, as I search the web looking for articles to read and things to study and resources for drawing college students to church, I realize that I'm already doing it.

For the past couple years, I've thought of myself as an unemployed, part-time student who volunteers with a couple things at church, so I always try to justify my sense of pressure or overwhelmed-ness. But I'm in my career already. It's on. Even though I'm still in school. Even though I don't get paid. I'm one of the teachers for young adults, I'm taking on some teaching (really more like facilitating/leading) roles for high school, I love all of these teenagers and twenty-somethings to bits and pieces, and there is a weight on my heart for them. I'm in.

So, yeah. I'm busy. Part of me can't wait for school to be over (only 1.5 more years!) so I can concentrate on ministry & possibly be paid to worry & read books and articles and listen to podcasts and fret and plan & meet, etc. Another part of me knows, though, that it (ministry) will grow to fill whatever time I can give it. It will suck my brain power and my heart and my time, and having more time will just mean more work and more heartache.

I'm tempted to have a cheesy closing line like, "But it will all be worth it," or something like that for closure, but I'm more blank right now. It is what it is. It is worth it, as long as I keep it in perspective, because this is where I'm called. God is making a way for me and I walk in it with faith and a nervous stomach. I know that there will be exciting times and worn down times. I know that I have no idea what God has in store.

As I move into this new space, I'll need to realign some things. Shift my baggage around a bit to get comfortable for the journey. Learn to look at myself and my life in a new way. Me & God can do this.

Deep breathing, venting, talking to friends. Oh, and alcoholic beverages and loud music.

I was angry today. Nutshell: I got one of my papers back and, though I didn't get a bad grade, my professor's comments and demeanor (is there such thing as a written demeanor? I say yes.) just pissed me off. I almost threw a tantrum, I tell you. I yelled "I hate you!" and I do believe that a plastic cup was thrown into the sink with much force. Gah. I just had to get out of the house. So I went up to church where I knew I'd be able to vent at some people who have been in similar situations. I listened the Deftones quite loudly on the way there, which was quite calming, and the venting helped. I talked to my friends for about an hour, then got some alcohol & potato chips on the way home. Yes, I felt like a lush stopping at the corner store to buy 2 cans of hard lemonade & a small bag of chips (a last-minute addition) at 2pm. But it was lovely.

The paper that is due on Monday should be more pleasing to him, and I will be glad to be done with it. I release all expectations. I have always been fine with not getting As in seminary. All will be well. I should not have been surprised, yet I am flabbergasted. That is all.

haunted

I may have mentioned this before, but we really want kids now. Maybe I should take out the "really," because it comes and goes. Today is a pro-kids day. I see the assorted "First Day of School" pics on facebook, and while some don't do anything to me, others tug at me. I looked at a family picture of a friend from high school, and in it, one of her three kids is kind of giving her a goofy look, and he's so cute and her husband is holding a baby and her older daughter is laughing and I just want that. I wish I would have wanted it before or knew I'd want it now.

And then there are the days, like today, where I wake up from a baby/kid dream, and she (it's almost always a "she") haunts me all day. One time it was a baby girl, but she was kind of big, and I was blowing on her cheeks and she was laughing and we were having such a good time. I missed her all day.

Today, it was a little girl, probably 2, I think Hispanic, but maybe Arabic. She is short and brown, with curly, dark hair. In my dream, she was in a car with her dad, and he was waiting for someone to come watch her. I looked at her for a bit, walked away, then walked back. I sort of reached for her and said, "I'll watch her." It wasn't much, but it was powerful. I didn't think about her a lot throughout the day- just a time here or there, but then tonight, on the way home from the gym, I just really wanted her. And I cried on my way home, and I'm crying now. But it's late, and maybe I'm just tired. But I don't like these days when I want kids so much and I can't do anything about it. I just have to trust God and his timing. And tomorrow, I may feel totally different and think that we'd be great continuing to not have kids. I will admit, though, that the pro-kid days are multiplying.

It feels a little like this.

Not so bad

Today I read A Severe Mercy and it was nowhere near as bad as I thought. See, based upon what I had heard about it and then after reading The Problem of Pain, I was starting to be afraid that Seth and I have been entirely too happy, so God is going to kill one of us or throw some horrendous hardship into our lives in order to strengthen our faith. I don't know. I realize that these aren't entirely new thoughts. Sometimes, when I think about how great my life is, I get nervous, so I think about the list of things that have been hard or wrong or trying in my life, just to make sure they're there and I am not too happy. It's messed up, I know.

I thought it was done, but I guess that trusting God truly and knowing that he doesn't play mind games takes time. As I'm writing this, I realize that this "too happy" nonsense had taken the place of the previous ingrained fear of "don't tell God what you don't want to do, or he'll be sure to set you right on that course!" You know, the old stories you'd hear about a man saying, "God, I'll do anything for you, just don't send me to Africa!" And, of course, after kicking and screaming, the man finally goes to Africa, like God wanted him to, and all is great. The is the kind of spiritual manipulation I grew up with! I know I'm not the only one.

So, the book wasn't all that bad. I guess in my mind-games land, I saw that the couple in the book were actually quite obsessed with one another and worshiped their love. We don't do that. I don't know. There are still things floating around in my head. Once again, I'll let you know if I come up with anything concrete.

The Problem of Pain

Friends, I didn't write last night because I was tired & also because I was troubled. I finished up The Problem of Pain, and one of Lewis's main ideas is that God gives/allows pain for our own good. We get too comfy and think we're secure in our cozy lives, and we don't look to him at all. He knows that what is best for us is to be surrendered to him, so he shakes us up a little. Lewis also believes that we have to live by natural laws in order to have a stable universe, therefore miracles must be rare. So, some things just happen, and some things (all things?) are allowed or sent by God to cause us to turn to him.

This is all something I have to chew on a bit & work my head around. It mostly makes sense, but then I get stuck again. It's not as if the question of evil & pain is going to be completely solved, but I still want more. One of the things I really like, though, is that he doesn't buy into that rubbish about it all being for God's glory. When people offer that as comfort to someone hurting, it makes you think, "Well, bully for you, God! I'm glad you're getting a kick out of this." He points out that God is goodness and we are the objects of his love. It is all for our good.

Perhaps later, after my paper is written, I'll give you some of the gems I've come up with or the really great quotes from his books. Later.

For now, I'm thinking I'm not going to meet all of my homework goals for the day again, and I think it's due to dairy. Gah. Yes, I'm getting over being sick, but it should be gone by now, and I think that gluten & dairy don't help.

Movie thoughts & complaints

Being sick this past week, I watched a lot of movies. Seven, to be exact, and I cannot remember the first one I watched no matter how hard I try, and I've been trying for a few days.

But one of the movies I watched was The Bounty Hunter, and if you know me at all, you're surprised. I really don't like romantic comedies (for the most part. It's just easier to say that, like short stories & poetry, I don't like them.) and have very little tolerance for Gerard Butler. But I realized that I also can hardly stand Jennifer Aniston anymore.

I was trying to figure out what it is that irks me about her when I decided that it was the fact that she just keeps playing the same, just a step above Rachel Greene character in every freaking movie she's been in for the past 5 years or so. And even her "real life" conversations and appearances just feel fake and forced. I don't know. So today, I happened upon this article on ew.com, in which Owen Glieberman talks about Jen and Michael Cera as the actors that most people harp on about always doing the same thing. He calls the complainers on the carpet a bit because, if we think back to great actors of the past, such as my beloved Cary Grant and Katherine Hepburn, we will find that they were always the same. He says that before "range" was such a big deal, that is exactly what people went to the movies to see-- their favorite actors being the characters they like.

Being that he called out 2 of my all-time faves, I had to think about his argument a bit. I do believe that one of the big differences is that at least for myself, and I would wager a good number of the movie viewing public of today, we did not see those actors's movies when they came out. We weren't going to see 5 Cary Grant movies in a row and thinking, "Sheesh! They're all the same!" We pick old movies out of a hat and watch what tickles our fancy whenever we like. And, yes, the movie-going public has changed, I'd wager.

His reasoning isn't wrong, though. He does fault the mind-numbing (he says "teeth-grinding") crappy writing of Jen's chosen genre, romantic comedy. Meaning that if the writing of the movies were better, we would be happier to watch the sunny, perfect Jen character. Possibly. I think that, just possibly, she's been doing it for entirely too long, though. She's still trying to do the cutesy, innocent but wild young thang, and it doesn't work anymore.

Michael Cera? Love love love him in Arrested Development. He's great. But, seriously, none of his characters have been any different than George Michael. At all. At least Aniston isn't playing exactly Rachel. And I do think that, were I to sit down and watch a bunch of Cary Grant movies in a row, I would tire of his fast-talking, suavely handsome shtick, and I would need a break. I know I can't handle too much Kate in a row. The woman grates! That is likely, Mr. Glieberman, why she was considered box office poison for a good portion of her career.

In conclusion, I finally looked up the movies I rented because it was bugging me. They are as follows:
Death at a Funeral Meh.
The Book of Eli Meh that was boring to look at.
The Ghost Writer Stupid with pretty faces in it.
Leap Year Not any worse or better than most romcoms. I am slightly embarrassed for the actors, though.
The Bounty Hunter Gah. Not as painful as I thought it would be, but bad.
Invictus kind of boring, but I was quite moved at the end & may have shed a tear.
The Proposal I had already seen it & it was kind of a back-up. Hey- Ryan Reynolds is pretty.

Huh? Oh, yes.

I'm blogging early tonight, friends, as I actually feel plucky & writerly right now, so I thought I'd get to it.

My mind is fairly clear, so I'm slowly working on The Problem of Pain, and as with much C.S. Lewis non-fiction, I'm alternating head-scratching with vigorous highlighting. There are times when I just want to shake him (if shaking a dead man would produce any desirable results) and say, "What does this mean?! I think that you're just using a lot of words and not actually saying anything!" He's the pinnacle of academic mumbo-jumbo somtimes, I tell you. Quite often, though, the very next paragraph makes me get out the pen and the highlighter, and I underline and star and copy into my notes and read out loud to Seth. "Aha!" I think. "This is the answer to everything!"

Life with C.S. Lewis. What I'm doing for my paper is taking The Problem of Pain and A Grief Observed and comparing them, trying to get a picture of his theodicy over time. I've read AGO a few times, and I love it. It is what you read in the depths of despair because it comforts you to know that someone who seemed to have it all figured out felt many of the same things. Screamed and cried and wanted to tear God apart out of their pain. This is my first time reading TPOP, and I'm learning a lot from it. It seems that maybe this is to read more distanced from the grief, either before or after. Things to remember and hold onto when it's time to move on. Time to get back into life and re-engage with God and his goodness.

I won't read about politics. I won't read about politics. I won't read...

Oh, friends, but is it ever hard. This mosque near Ground Zero thing has everyone's panties in a knot and I have been thisclose to posting things on facebook and getting snotty and generally breaking my new rule.

I have given in and read a few articles that people have posted on the non-panty-twisted side, one of which was basically a map of the area, what is already there, and a big "shut up" to the freak-out crowd.

I find it difficult because it is one of the cases where I see people betraying much of what they claim to hold dear and just being racist, xenophobic.....people. (Almost swore there.)

So I'm going to keep away from the articles, even the ones I'm sure I'll agree with, because I just. cannot. handle. reading one word that comes out of Sarah Palin's mouth. Among others.

And I'm already angry and snotty and going against what I really think is important. But it's my blog and I just wanted to vent a little bit.

Now I'll go do something productive, like reading The Problem of Pain and work on explaining this whole theodicy thing once and for all. You're welcome.

London

So finally I've put myself to edit the pictures from my London trip.

As always I had a hard time choosing. We didn't take that much photos, but still...

I decided not to divide them into different posts, as I'm a bit behind on my posting schedule.

Visiting London was an incredible experience, as this was my first time.

The trip only proved that four days in a major city are not enough to see all you want.

But still, with a great guide that my bf is, we still managed to see a lot.

The first trip was to Topshop, our Hotel was located close to Oxford street.

Oh, boy! I can't even describe what I felt. I wanted to buy all of it! After 2 hours in there I managed to spend 1/3 of my four days budget on a dream leather jacket from Lipsy.

I was on a mission to buy one + good shoes.

You'll be seeing it a lot in the future.

We, kind of on purpose, skipped Browns, Selfridges and designer boutiques, because I didn't want to get my heart broken, as it always happens in those places. Me having almost a break down before the D&G store, where all of the magical colored leopard items were hanging, only proved me right.

We did tourist stuff like going to Big Ben & BP palace. We've seen Portobello and Covent Garden.

On the last day we went to Camden. It was a sunday, so there were a huge amount of people, which made it hard to see stores. I was exhausted anyway. We mostly saw the Stables market, which I liked a lot. I wish we had more time to see it all.

We've seen the Six Shooters exhibition in Proud Camden. Photographs of rock stars taken by six different photographers. All of them were pretty impressive, especially some life footage, as it is the hardest part of band photography.

Paying a visit to Somerset House was a must, because the Martin Margiela exhibit was running there.

I missed this one in Belgium, so I didn't want to miss it twice.

For me it was really like home coming. I recently did a project around MMM's work, so I'm quiet familiar with all it's aspects. This is one of the best exhibitions I saw and the location was much better than our Fashion Museum.

Unfortunately it was forbidden to take pictures there, so I can't share that beauty with you.

London Dungeon was fun too, especially for the lovers of spooky things.

The gift shop afterwards was a nice reward too.

On the first night we also visited a pop-up burlesque show from the Tassel Club at Salon D'ete.

This was certainly one of the most magic nights out ever! The location took you back to London of 1930's, the acts were marvelous and the cocktails too!

This trip was one to remember, for sure! I hope to go back soon.

At the Tassel Club

Toy Story stuff on display in the Disney Store

Me, putting on a sad face because I wanted to buy Hamm from Toy Story. And guess what?

On the last day, I did :)

Before the All Saints store. I love their decor out of sewing machines!

The Eye!

Squirrels! I'm a major squirrel addict. We don't have squirrels in parks here, so I was like a kid who saw snow for the first time. Running around, feeding them my Twix.